How to Ask for What You Want
Are you tired of feeling like people walk all over you or that your needs aren't important? How often do you ask for what you want? Or does the thought of that makes you want to go running for the hills.
Continuing on with our stepping out of your comfort zone theme for this month, I want to talk about asking for what you want and more specifically how to ask for what you want.
Why asking for what you want matters anyway
But before I start I want to talk about why this is important. If you shy away from telling people how you feel, what you want or maybe you even feel like you want isn’t important, not only will you not get the things that you want but you place yourself in this “lesser” position in life. Let me explain, it gives you the lower hand in your relationships and life when you don't ask for what you want. The longer you take on that “lesser” position, the more you will believe that you deserve to be in this lower position, making it even harder to ask for what you want. The longer you don’t get what you want, the more resentful and angry you become with others and yourself. And no one wants that. I want you to have the things you want for yourself, your life and in your relationships with others. So.. how do you ask for what you want when maybe you have never done this before?
Clarity in what you want
The first thing to ask yourself is what do you want in the first place? And not what you think you should want or what Sally’s third cousin once removed wants for you. Not what will look good or gain other people’s approval. What do you want in your heart of hearts regardless of what everyone else is saying or thinking? I want you to take a moment and really think about it.
What would make you feel most happy, proud or excited?
Many times we don't ask for what we want because we don’t even know what that is in the first place. Before we step into how to ask for what you want, I want you to sit in what do you want? And how will that make a difference in your own life if you were to ask for what you want. What difference would that make for you personally, professionally, relationally, internally? How would you feel about yourself if you asked for what you wanted?
Practice
I have a post about being assertive and the lessons I learned when practicing being assertive myself. Consider this post like her cousin, a preliminary step to full-on assertiveness. You can find that post here. With any new skill, big and small there is practice involved.
For this upcoming week, I want you to practice taking small steps in asking for what you want. When you’re out at a coffee shop I want you to ask for your coffee the way you like it(yes, seriously). I want you to tell your friends or your spouse what you want for dinner. I want you to tell someone what you want to do when you hang out instead of just going along.
In this, you may find that you know how to ask for what you want in many situations but there are also some that are more difficult. When those come up, don’t become angry with yourself instead, I want you to use all this as information. What is it about THESE situations in particular that feel more challenging to you? What is the fear behind these particular situations?
Small Steps
Done steps one and two? Great. Now I want you to take these situations that feel the most challenging and work on those. That is where the real meat is and where the most impact will be made. Slowly, I want you to take micro steps in the direction of speaking out in these situations. Slowly but surely the fear will begin to fade and you’ll know how to ask for what you want in these situations and more.
If asking for what you want is something you struggle with or you want support working on these larger steps, book a complimentary consultation so we can figure out what's getting in your way.