How to Break the Habit of Avoiding Confrontation

We’ve all been there, had the pit in our stomach when we wanted to speak up, let someone know that they’ve crossed the line, or ask for what we want. But we rationalize not speaking up  in our head, “It’s not a big deal, “ “I’m overreacting”, or “It’s not worth all the trouble”. We make ourselves believe that it's just a one-time thing or that the other person will respond negatively. You have so much anxiety about the whole thing so you keep quiet and don’t say anything. And of course, with all the mental hubbub going on in your head, most people would brush these things off.

But where has that led you?

In avoiding confrontation, how has it impacted the relationship you have with yourself and others? Do you find yourself resentful, angry, and even upset with yourself replaying things over and over again in your head of what you could have, would have, should have done, or said something differently? And even, because you have avoided confrontation so much you are beginning to think that you’re weak, a pushover, or a doormat. 

How has avoiding confrontation led to even more mental and emotional turmoil within yourself, and at the end of the day has impacted how you view yourself?

What once seemed like a simple brush-off, if you really look at it, has had some serious effects on you, your mental health, and your self-image.

But what do I do, you say. How can I overcome this knot in my stomach so that I feel like I can speak up and stop avoiding confrontation?

Today I want to give you a few steps to stop avoiding confrontation so that you can confidently speak up and let others know what you want.

I first want to let you know that this is a process, and just because you haven’t spoken up and you avoid confrontation it doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with you, it doesn’t mean that you are weak or that you can’t handle confrontation. It just means you haven’t learned the tools to manage confrontation and because of that the fear and the need to feel comfortable wins. No shame, no blame, it just is what it is.

Deep breathing

One of the first things to practice is deep breathing. Part of what makes handling confrontation difficult and then the subsequent avoiding of confrontation is that your brain is in flight or flight mode. It perceives a threat, assesses it, and then makes the decision to freeze, aka avoiding the confrontation. Before saying anything to the other person I want you to let your brain know that there’s nothing wrong. Nothing to fear. To do so, take a few deep breaths, imagery, journal, or whatever helps you reduce some of the anxiety. 

Accept the fear

Which brings me to the second tip. The goal here isn’t to have any fear or anxiety but to have it at a manageable level where it doesn’t hold you back. Accept that there will be some fear. This is something new you are doing. The more you practice speaking, up the more comfortable you will. And for now, you will feel some fear, and that's ok. 

Break the habit

What I have seen with clients is with with avoiding confrontation, avoidance, in general, has become a habit. A habit that is then rewarded because of the immediate relief of fear when you don’t speak up. You know that relief you feel when you decide to not say anything, that's what I’m talking about. The more you avoid confrontation the more the fear of it grows and builds. It's like adding fuel to fire. So in all things big and small(choose your battles of course), I want you to practice doing the opposite of what you wanted to do. The more times you decide to confront instead of avoid, the easier it will become and slowly your self-image will change too. Win-win-win.

Practice

Practice, practice, practice. There will be times when you stumble, you forget, or you decide consciously(and not because of fear) to not speak up, but keep trying and practicing. Just like avoiding confrontation is a habit that grew and built, you can replace it with another, more helpful habit.

In closing, I want you to think about what is it that you’re actually afraid of? Could you handle it? I bet if you really thought about it you could. When working with clients we get very clear on what the fear is and how not only we can manage the fear but in some ways eliminate it altogether. Fear is the thing that holds a lot of people back from confronting rather than avoiding confrontation. So spend some time here, think about, and determine how you can overcome that fear.

This month we’re talking all about stepping out of your comfort zone. Follow me on Instagram to follow this content.