How People Pleasing Fuels Your Inner Critic
If your inner critic feels impossible to escape, people pleasing may be to blame.
You’re not good enough, you can’t do that, who do you think you are, they would never like you. For those who have a strong inner critic, these thoughts are all too familiar.
We all have one, anyone who denies that they don’t sometimes have self-doubt-filled thoughts at some point or another would be telling a white lie. However, for some, an inner critic can become an unhelpful, unwanted fake friend constantly tearing you and your choices down constantly making you doubt yourself, your worth, your decision, your appearance, and your next move.
If you have a very loud inner critic, one that has maybe been around for years, part of you may feel like this is who you are and you can’t shake it to become the person you want to be. If you are also someone who feels you are a people pleaser or nice girl, then your inner critic may look the same but act a little differently. Your inner critic may sound like …
I’m not good enough…
People don’t like me…
I can’t be myself…
People will reject me…
I don’t like the person in the mirror…
What’s there to like about me…
I am weak…
I don’t belong…
And the list could go on. For people pleasers and nice girls in particular this inner critic will have you believe that you can “ solve” this by working for it. And by it, I mean the feeling of being enough and belonging. It makes you believe that if you just try enough, are kind enough, are there enough for others, give yourself enough, compromise enough, and keep the peace enough, then people will love and accept you. And if people love and accept you then you must be enough, right? It's not that simple, but we’ll be talking about that in another post in this series.
When you people please, aka give all to others, with less or nothing for you, by saying yes to all the requests, holding back when someone has crossed your boundaries, committing, and burning yourself out to the point of exhaustion your inner critic looks for these small wins and confirmations from others to “prove” that what you feel inside can’t be true, that you’re not enough. When someone thanks you for being there for them, or when people ask you for help, when people are kind and gracious for all you’ve given them, then it quiets your inner critic, temporarily.
And the reason this is temporary is because this cycle is driven by fear, the fear of not being good enough and not belonging. In the end, the more you give and give, even past your empty, the worse you begin to feel about yourself, which just gives your inner critic more ammunition. But letting go of the cycle of people pleasing is difficult to let go of because it gives your mind temporary solace and a temporary feeling of worth and belonging. In the end, the thing that brings you mild peace and temporarily makes you feel enough also makes your biggest fear(inner critic) grow stronger.
Which is why it feels impossible to escape.
Living with a constant inner critic is not a healthy state to be in. Not only do you rarely have mental peace but this pest leads you to feeling less than, not enough, or constantly feeling like you have to earn and prove your worth. Over time this inner critic grows and grows until you are in a constant state of worry and anxiety, leaving who you are and what you want behind for the quick hits of acceptance and adrenaline that you feel when you trade yourself for being liked. But it makes sense because in many cases this is the only thing that quiets your inner critic if only just for a little while. A temporary retreat, after all, is better than no retreat at all.
I know you’re tired. Have you had enough of your inner critic but deep down kind of wonder if this is just who you are and you’ve kind of just given up? Because if you’re honest you’ve tried some self-help books and maybe done some meditations and your inner critic is still just hanging around, holding on for dear life? This is not just who you are. You won’t regain your peace until you learn ways to truly silence or at least take some of the power back from your inner critic. Subscribe to my email to receive content just like this to help you silence your inner critic.
What would be possible for you and your life if you were able to take your power back over your inner critic? It is my sincere belief that this beautiful life is the only chance that we get and we should live it fully and authentically. How has your inner critic hidden your authenticity, what has it stopped your from doing, what we be possible if you could say no without guilt, what chances would you take if you had peace and confidence? What stops many of us is fear, fear of fully showing ourselves, fear of stepping into something new, fear of letting go of something that is so familiar and oddly comforting for us. So my question to you is what do you want? Not just now, but for your life? And are you ready for a more permanent solution? Continue this inner critic series - next time we’ll be talking about why it's not too late.